Gotta Air the Whine Before You Drink

It's Friday. I really miss the shore. And, of course, my Baby. But here's an intro into my everyday ongoing three year frustration with Time Warner Cable (TWC) (Is it coincidence that it rhymes with AT&T? I think Not!) and a most hilarious complaint letter. Enjoy and maybe even get inspired. Customer service sucks because we let it. Speak when you are unhappy - Loudly, Effectively and as often as possible. Am I right?

I need my TV! I can't control my fingers, I can't control my brain, Oh no no no no no....
Problem is zoning out is defeated without transmission. There's no TV in Cincy without a provider and settle-light isn't really a choice; it doesn't work in thunder and lightening. Weather in this area is downright menopausal - up, down, swirling around and all with light and sound. (still rhyming) I have to check the f'in radar before I leave for a run to make sure I have a solid 30 min window. Ah, but that's a whine for another day. BTW, what did the grape say when he got stepped on? Nothing, he just let out a little wine.

At my house, the TWC box just quits working at least once a month or more. TWC is on speed dial on all three phones. After I call a technician, get a new signal, and wait 30 min or more for the reboot, I have reception. For a while. So it didn't seem odd right away that I had to call TWC ten times in two weeks only to have them tell me to return the box for a new one - twice. Finally a young lady in India took pity (after two just hung up) and sent a technician THE VERY SAME DAY who showed me where someone had opened the locked hookup box on the OUTSIDE of the house and disconnected the cable coming in. So that's what the "Check Cable In" message on the very first box meant. Mess with the services so my technicians will have business?

Dear Ohio, this disconnect is mighty strange dealing for the land of the polite. Someone might think you were aspiring to be like one of your larger sister cities on the East Coast. Seems I'm not the only one with her panties in a bunch.

An Open Letter from Eugene Mirman to Time Warner Cable
May 19, 2011

May 19, 2011
Eugene Mirman
Brooklyn, NY 10217
Time Warner Inc.
One Time Warner Center
New York, NY 10019
Dear Time Warner Cable,
On April 23rd I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable to come and install cable, Internet and phone service and no one showed up. When I called, I was told my appointment was entered wrong and moved to May 4th, without anyone calling me. No big deal, why would a company check with someone to see if they are home on a Wednesday afternoon? Of course they are. Everyone is. Name one person who isn’t home on a Wednesday afternoon? You can’t. It’s impossible, because everyone is home. It would be a waste of resources to call and talk to him. Did Stalin ever call people before he arrested them and sent them to die in Siberian work camps? No! Why should Time Warner Cable have a policy that is any different from Stalin’s?
Did you know that on Yelp, Time Warner Cable has one and a half stars? That’s less stars than Jeffrey Dahmer — who killed and ate people, maybe even had sex with their skulls (I don’t really know). Obviously what I’m saying is untrue, because Yelp does not review serial killers, but if they did, his babaganoush would be better than yours, if you both made babaganoush, even if his drugged and murdered people. Sorry that got weird. F**k you. I just made you read that confusing thing.
To give you an idea of how much I dislike your company, I have come up with plagues I hope God smites your board of directors with. I know He’ll only do this if you enslave the Jews, but considering you might have a monopoly inNYC, you sort of already have:
1. Awkward. Every board member’s cell phone ring loudly announces their weight and also the day they’ll die.
2. Bathroom. The constant feeling that you have to go number two, but completely forgetting how.
3. Improv. Your first-born will want to be a short form improviser.
4. Popcorn. Your second born will smell like hot buttered popcorn. It’s not that bad at first, but eventually I bet it will be maddening.
Sincerely,
Eugene Mirman and probably everyone of your customers
P.S. On May 4th I called you and got an automated message saying my appointment was moved to May 10th, but spoke to two representatives who assured me it was still on May 4th. Twenty minutes later, I got a call saying the technician called and couldn’t reach me and my new appointment would be on May 12th. An hour later I got a call apologizing and saying my appointment was moved to May 6th. Why does your company act like a controlling, abusive husband on an episode of Law and Order?
P.P.S. On May 6th a very nice, professional man came, rang my doorbell and installed everything. I would feel remiss to not mention that a handful of other employees were also very helpful. However, overall your company is run like an ill managed Soviet factory. I bet if Ayn Rand was still alive, she’d write a fun to read, but poorly argued book about how appalling and inefficient your company is. Please cut it out. Thank you.

Observation on the day - strange happenings everywhere.

JUNE! New day, month and intention. Hoping to keep updating with what's what. You are now forewarned or, if I were a writer, foreshadowed, but since I'm a lawyer, this is disclaimer de minimus, cause I can. :-P Be thankful. It could be disclaimer Significante, which probably isn't a word or could be a Latin language.


FML 6/1/11


Day 32 of training and maybe one or two pounds GAINED !?!?!?!? I started this to boost my metabolism because it was stuck. Now it's stuck again at a higher number. Even after a huge involuntary deposit to the porcelain goddess, I weighed more than when I began.


Weiner's Weiner


Ok, I know it's almost totally outside my universe but Could NOT Be Ignored. Rep. Anthony Weiner (D, NY) has been unable to deny that the tweeted pic of a man's engorged and clothed

groin shows his underwear. Any lawyer worth her salt would have told him not to answer that question; who has original boxers? But, wait, why was Rep. Weiner answering any questions at all? Subpeona or no spilla, I'd say, unless the whole affair was meant to garner attention, which one might call successful after grabbing 45,000 followers for Weiner. BTW, you can't find the pic on twitter or fb anymore, so here - Um, um, um. Now, I wonder if this is real because, have you seen the man?


Groupon Frustration


No, this is not a reference to a huge pile-on of frustration. Groupons? You know. You buy them at half price and let them sit unused until, Oh, I don't know, the last two days they are valid? I can take solace in the reassurance that at least 30 others at the same place I went to did also. Mei Japanese Restaurant in Montgomery tonight was a zoo and I'd hate to see the place Friday, the very last day. Three servers scurried the floor like squirrels scooping up and laying down, talking quicker than even I could fathom, and I didn't want to spend ANY time talking. I picked a bad day to save my appetite for dinner. Of course, it wasn't voluntary. I ran, I got sick and I couldn't eat but decided dinner would be safe because it was just rice and protein and hours away from the crisis. I arrived at 6:30 and saw no food until 7 and didn't get up to leave until 8. Although the food was unobjectionable, all the hubbub about how hard they were working and how patient everyone had to be ruined dinner. Message: If you can't take the heat, literally stay out of the kitchen. Don't participate in Groupons if you can't keep up with the business. They are meant to introduce folks to your place so they will want to return after you make a Good impression. Am I asking too much, folks?

Yes I Know It's I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t.

I know, I should have been suspicious when the title for my blog was available, given that the whole world was already online. But, I have this amazing blind spot that follows me, my own personal practical joke, and it will. not. go. away!

I have tried everything. Yoga. Exercise. Meditation. Meds. I even tried conquering it with prayer and alcohol when I was young and dumber. New age types might say I should try celebrating it. Just how would a person do that when subterfuge is absolutely necessary to effective sabotage? So, yes, the title of my blog wasn't a word until I made it one.

If you stop by to visit, leave a note. If you have nothing to say, just let me know you were here. Then, when the shit hits the fan, I'll be, "All these people looked and didn't see a problem either!" and, "See, it wasn't so freaking obvious." Thanks.

--MK

The Rainforest That Is My Backyard

Meet my little friend, the Black and Decker HT012. If it stands, we will fell it; if it lays, we will kill it. I haven't thought too much about what I'll do next because the weather here blows so bad it's nearly impossible to plan but there will be some serious yard waste - heart attack serious. Took before pix and will post with the after. I am expecting miracles! - and hoping my back holds out.

Trouble is last time I met up with poison ivy, my face ballooned up and the rash was a sight for no eyes. The ground I'm clearing is at least six inches of ivy; most of it is normal but those damn poison leaves are poking up here and there. It's not good. And, there's the rain. Seems like every day has it's dose and the trick is to figure how to work around it and work fast enough to beat the new growth. I am not comfortable operating electric power tools in rain.

Wanna bet that whatever I do plant here dies? Eh, one problem at a time. Sounds like I need to have a talk with my attitude.

I'm going back in. If I don't come out, send help.

My Bathroom

So, the second floot bathroom is where all the mischief began. The water source to the toilet came loose from the wall the day after I tiled the floor, flooding the second floor, first floor and basement. A month later, after the dry-out contractor took his last fan away and I got past the funk, I was able to get back to work.

After glazing the tub, I stripped the window so I could finish it. It looked really good, hard to tell from these pix. I took them with my iPhone.

Next I stripped and finished the wood trim for the doorway. I said strip. He he he. Notice, there's a whole lot less paint, etc left over on the wood. Getting better with time.

Diane noticed the missing face plate. Details, details. Guess I'm not perfect.

Here are views of the other three walls when finished: the medicine cabinet, the window wall, and the mirror wall.

Glazin the Tub

Glazin the tub is nothing like praying the to the porcelain God; it's painting a new face on an old appliance. I did this myself with a brush-on epoxy paint. The tub was glazed once before the flood but, with moving it, the dry-out stirring up a lot of dust and dripping paint on it, the tub needed a new coat after the flood damage was fixed.

So, this is the final product. It doesn't have a perfect surface. If you could see this up close, you'd see brush strokes. If I were a perfectionist, I'd have a professional do this with a spray machine; it's the only way you have a chance at an even surface. And the fumes, forgetaboutit! But, this tub has never looked so good and, after all, I'm not going to serve dinner on it.

What a Waste!

Through some stroke of luck, my contractor put piping for the third floor laundry, toilet and sink at the top of his list. It might have something to do with him wanting to use the room to edit a tv show he's producing for cable - a cooking show. I am surrounded by genius!

Anyway, he broke through the stairwell to access the second floor bath pipes and this is what the waste stack looked like, crack, hole and all. Right there in my wall was this time bomb spewing gas! Here are the rest of the pieces from the wall. Just look at that joint!

Jamieson to the rescue: he not only ran all the plumbing from the second floor to the third, he replaced the whole waste stack. I was particularly impressed with his labels. What a nifty idea, anticipating someone would have to tear out that wall again to access the pipes. It better not happen while I'm here, though.