Gotta Air the Whine Before You Drink

It's Friday. I really miss the shore. And, of course, my Baby. But here's an intro into my everyday ongoing three year frustration with Time Warner Cable (TWC) (Is it coincidence that it rhymes with AT&T? I think Not!) and a most hilarious complaint letter. Enjoy and maybe even get inspired. Customer service sucks because we let it. Speak when you are unhappy - Loudly, Effectively and as often as possible. Am I right?

I need my TV! I can't control my fingers, I can't control my brain, Oh no no no no no....
Problem is zoning out is defeated without transmission. There's no TV in Cincy without a provider and settle-light isn't really a choice; it doesn't work in thunder and lightening. Weather in this area is downright menopausal - up, down, swirling around and all with light and sound. (still rhyming) I have to check the f'in radar before I leave for a run to make sure I have a solid 30 min window. Ah, but that's a whine for another day. BTW, what did the grape say when he got stepped on? Nothing, he just let out a little wine.

At my house, the TWC box just quits working at least once a month or more. TWC is on speed dial on all three phones. After I call a technician, get a new signal, and wait 30 min or more for the reboot, I have reception. For a while. So it didn't seem odd right away that I had to call TWC ten times in two weeks only to have them tell me to return the box for a new one - twice. Finally a young lady in India took pity (after two just hung up) and sent a technician THE VERY SAME DAY who showed me where someone had opened the locked hookup box on the OUTSIDE of the house and disconnected the cable coming in. So that's what the "Check Cable In" message on the very first box meant. Mess with the services so my technicians will have business?

Dear Ohio, this disconnect is mighty strange dealing for the land of the polite. Someone might think you were aspiring to be like one of your larger sister cities on the East Coast. Seems I'm not the only one with her panties in a bunch.

An Open Letter from Eugene Mirman to Time Warner Cable
May 19, 2011

May 19, 2011
Eugene Mirman
Brooklyn, NY 10217
Time Warner Inc.
One Time Warner Center
New York, NY 10019
Dear Time Warner Cable,
On April 23rd I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable to come and install cable, Internet and phone service and no one showed up. When I called, I was told my appointment was entered wrong and moved to May 4th, without anyone calling me. No big deal, why would a company check with someone to see if they are home on a Wednesday afternoon? Of course they are. Everyone is. Name one person who isn’t home on a Wednesday afternoon? You can’t. It’s impossible, because everyone is home. It would be a waste of resources to call and talk to him. Did Stalin ever call people before he arrested them and sent them to die in Siberian work camps? No! Why should Time Warner Cable have a policy that is any different from Stalin’s?
Did you know that on Yelp, Time Warner Cable has one and a half stars? That’s less stars than Jeffrey Dahmer — who killed and ate people, maybe even had sex with their skulls (I don’t really know). Obviously what I’m saying is untrue, because Yelp does not review serial killers, but if they did, his babaganoush would be better than yours, if you both made babaganoush, even if his drugged and murdered people. Sorry that got weird. F**k you. I just made you read that confusing thing.
To give you an idea of how much I dislike your company, I have come up with plagues I hope God smites your board of directors with. I know He’ll only do this if you enslave the Jews, but considering you might have a monopoly inNYC, you sort of already have:
1. Awkward. Every board member’s cell phone ring loudly announces their weight and also the day they’ll die.
2. Bathroom. The constant feeling that you have to go number two, but completely forgetting how.
3. Improv. Your first-born will want to be a short form improviser.
4. Popcorn. Your second born will smell like hot buttered popcorn. It’s not that bad at first, but eventually I bet it will be maddening.
Sincerely,
Eugene Mirman and probably everyone of your customers
P.S. On May 4th I called you and got an automated message saying my appointment was moved to May 10th, but spoke to two representatives who assured me it was still on May 4th. Twenty minutes later, I got a call saying the technician called and couldn’t reach me and my new appointment would be on May 12th. An hour later I got a call apologizing and saying my appointment was moved to May 6th. Why does your company act like a controlling, abusive husband on an episode of Law and Order?
P.P.S. On May 6th a very nice, professional man came, rang my doorbell and installed everything. I would feel remiss to not mention that a handful of other employees were also very helpful. However, overall your company is run like an ill managed Soviet factory. I bet if Ayn Rand was still alive, she’d write a fun to read, but poorly argued book about how appalling and inefficient your company is. Please cut it out. Thank you.